Happy Valentine's Day

Parents, Valentine's Day is your opportunity to spoil your teenagers! Make them a nice breakfast, or a cup of tea before school, take them out for gelato, see a family-friendly movie, share a special dinner, give them a love gift, or tell them they are wonderful!

Teenagers, today is an opportunity to remind your parents that you do love them, when they are not embarrassing you, hassling you, nagging you, pressuring you, or expecting too much! Deep down, you remember that they love you - so say thanks today! Tea in bed, a love note in a briefcase, a flower in the kitchen, a chocolate, doing a chore without being asked, or just a big hug will do - and get you a lot of brownie points!

Valentine's Day is all about feeling the blessings of the love we share - at least most days - and remembering to celebrate the relationships we value and work so hard to sustain. Have fun, remember what you love about each other, and spend a little time together - you will all feel better!

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Labels: Healthline, Holidays, Parenting, Teen Health

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Post Holiday Blues?

Feeling a little slow, sad, or irritable during this last few days of the holiday season? Are you paying more attention to the advertisements for anti-depression medication? Do you have a list of things to do that is longer than the the available number of hours before you go back to work? Do not panic! My suggestion is that you relax and give yourself some permission to slow down and think about what is important, what has to be done, and what can wait until next weekend.

You may just be exhausted. For the last month students have been finishing a semester at school, or at least approaching it, employees have been working ahead to take time off, families have added gifting, parties, decorating, and traveling into already full lives, and well, most extended family get togethers bring with them a little emotional baggage. Chances are really good that your physical and emotional reserves are very low and you really need some serious rest.

It is not too late to schedule some well-deserved down time. Look at the rest of the holiday and figure out when and where you can take some time to just sit still, have a massage, take a walk, play a game, bake with the kids, whatever you do to have fun and relax. Try to minimize the "have tos" and focus on the "want tos," which is not a very productive way to live life, but may give you some energy in the long run.

My suggestion is that we all start 2008 conscious of what we need, where our energy is going, and what is important to us and our families! Another year is passing and it is important to take time to recognize our accomplishments and goals!

Happy New Year everyone! May 2008 be healthy, happy and fun!

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Labels: Holidays, Parenting, Teen Health

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Looking Back on 2007: Teen Health

Wow! I am amazed that this year is coming to an end already - time just seems to go by faster the older you get! I want to thank the readers of Teen Heath 411 and Healthline for supporting this endeavor - I love writing this blog and having a great excuse to read everything I can find about teen health, including some great books.

I looked back at the posts in 2007 and realized that teen health is a huge topic. There is a lot of variety in the 2007 posts which include topics as diverse as book reviews, spirituality, driving how-tos, and information for parents and teens about the transition to adulthood and the world of college and work. The bulk of the posts are about physical health - dental health, health risks, piercing, flu shots, blood pressure, staph infection, heart attacks, sports injuries, and recognizing stroke. There are also many posts about mental health - stress, body image, surviving parents, bullying, cutting, friendship, and growing up gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

The posts about policy changes and media articles relating to teens tend to focus on the scary parts of adolescence - the risk, Internet safety, sexually transmitted infections, romance, dating violence, substance abuse and eating disorders, whereas the posts coming from what I experience tend to focus on the wonder of teens and how to make the most of and appreciate the short time we still have with them. I think the most valuable posts are those that help parents address issues that are tough to talk about but allow us to share our values and give teens the skills and confidence to assume the responsibility the world is giving them and enjoy the transition.

I think important topics in 2008 may include mentoring, involving teens in community service, and "connection" with family and community. Watching our amazing children grow is a blessing and although we will never get a certificate that says we did a great job as a parent, reminding ourselves that teens each have their own path and are more than their "risk profile" will help us appreciate them!

Enjoy whatever celebrations your family shares this week and don't forget to come back and visit Teen Health 411 is 2008!

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Labels: Healthline, Holidays, Parenting, Teen Development, Teen Health

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Happy Thanksgiving - Generations

Happy Thanksgiving to all of the readers of Teen Health 411. I hope your day is peaceful and full of blessings, love, and happiness. Today is an opportunity to remember everything we are grateful for and tell those people we appreciate how lucky we are to share our life with them.

One of the things I love about the holidays is the opportunity to spend time with my family and watch the different generations of family members interact with each other. As a child I remember playing with all the cousins outside on holidays (it was Southern California) while the women cooked and the men watched TV. Apart from the usual family drama, holidays were fun and we all enjoyed them.

As the middle generation, and with a much smaller family, I share my own children with my mom on the holidays and am very conscious that the rituals we create now will become part of the girls' futures. We usually do a long drive, help her put up holiday decorations, and share a meal that includes everyone's favorite dish. During the (media free) day, the girls play games, help cook, play in the snow, and relax, which is wonderful to watch and enjoy. We share long conversations about the things the kids are learning in school, hobbies, and the future, conversations that are not usually had with my mom, and I love listening to them share and appreciate each other's perspective.

I always fall asleep at the end of these days happy and a little emotional about how lucky I am and how much I appreciate the time with my mom and my children, who are growing up too fast and will within the next decade start their own lives and traditions.

Enjoy every minute of your day - and blessings for the coming holiday season! Thank you for sharing my life! Here is an affirmation (from Mark Husson, 2006) for your day: "There is not enough paper in the world to write down everything I am thankful for."

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Thank You - Grand Rounds 4.09

I would like to thank Enrico at Mexico Medical Student for hosting Grand Rounds 4.09 this week and including my post about gratitude, families and holidays.

This week was uplifting and I loved the music playing in the background. Thank you!

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Gratitude and Abundance:Can You Feel the Love?

It's Thanksgiving this week (in the United States) and families everywhere are traveling, shopping, cleaning, cooking eating, and preparing themselves for the holiday season, which will run at least five weeks, and sometimes longer. This is a perfect time of the year to prepare yourself for the frenzy by identifying which of the rituals associated with the holidays you celebrate actually mean something to the people in your family, and then choosing to really focus on those parts that nurture you and bring joy, rather than irritate and exhaust you.

First, remember that the holiday season starts with a celebration of community and gratitude - a celebration of abundance. The holidays may be a good time to start a meditation practice, or just a grateful practice, as I call it, which is simply making my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night "I am so grateful for ....." No matter how bad a day is, finding something that I am grateful for and breathing and smiling brings me peace. It must be some law of the universe that peace follows every grateful thought.

To help get you in the grateful zone, here are some of my favorite quotes about gratitude:

Buddha: Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we did not learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so let us all be thankful.
Cicero: Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all of the others.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.

With gratitude and abundance in mind, I want to encourage families to slow down, enjoy the extra time off from work and school that holidays provide and enjoy each other's company. If your days off are full of errands, you feel irritable and angry, or are just stretched too far, or if whenever you are all at home your family is separated throughout the house, chances are good that you are not enjoying this holiday season, and the rituals that matter are not the focus.

Try this: Ask everyone in your family to identify the most important thing about Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanakah, or Kwanza. Next, ask them what food they need to "make the holiday special," and keep a list of what everyone says. Then, over a meal, talk about your desire to make the holidays as simple, rewarding and fun as possible and ask everyone to help identify what is important, and "must" happen, and which things are usually more bother than they are worth. You might be surprised at what comes out of their mouths.

Please try not to pout when no one really cares about the fancy wrapping, or special brining for the turkey that takes three days - no wincing, begging, or bribing either. Just listen and if you must, you can ask questions - are the house lights important, is seeing the nutcracker an important part of our holiday, would people rather be home or at grandma's on Christmas morning, is there a community service project we could do that would be fun and we could do as a family? After everyone has voted an opinion - and I mean everyone - even he most withdrawn, angsty teen, try and describe the holiday that includes only what everyone really wants, and see if the family "buys" it.

Next step is the plan, who will do what, which may knock a few other things off the "gotta do" list, and viola, you have a holiday that means something - a conscious process that celebrates what is important to everyone in your family.

Now sit down with a cup of tea, enjoy the peace and feel the love! Happy holidays from Teen Health 411.

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Holiday Letters - Are you Ready?

Dread or delight? Maybe you write holiday letters to keep people you care about involved in your life. Maybe you hate holiday letters because they sound so "cheery" and make your own reality seem "dim" in comparison. Whichever reality you call your own, here is a perspective for you.

Creating the family holiday letter does not have to be a headache and if you try it, you might like it! Holidays in most cultures and religions are rituals and therefore contain an opportunity for reflection, assessment, and goal setting. By trying to write a holiday letter, you guarantee yourself a little time to take a break from the daily grind, pull yourself "out of the soup," and look at the broader issues in life. You also create a history of the year - although brief, which will become a keepsake for your children about their childhoods.

There are different types of things you can mention in the letter - large themes or concepts, events or accomplishments. Some letters are just collages of photos or quotes from kids. Anything is possible and most things are enjoyed by the readers of the letters - just keep it light. The "real" story about the high conflict divorce and legal bills might not warm the souls of the reader - and will not make you happy or feel like you have accomplished something, either. Amidst the worst year of our lives, there is always something we are proud of!

Here are some suggestions to get you thinking about what you might want to share with your friends and loved ones.

• What phase are the kids at, what are they trying to accomplish or striving for?
• What are they proud of, what would they change if they could?
• How is your life balance between family and career working?
• Where does community service fit in?
• What rituals in your day make you happy?
• What changes have happened in your family this year?
• Did you implement a family game night or mandatory sit down dinner?
• Did you start a hobby you always dreamed of?
• Did the family have a family meeting or negotiate rules for driving, curfews, dating?
• Did you plan or take a family vacation?
• Is your life as a parent what you thought it would be?

If after reading this you decide life is just a daily grind of work, school, laundry, cleaning, and car repair, then set a new goal with your family and write the letter about it - a promise to yourselves about what next year will include.

I admit, I am a holiday letter writer - mostly because my life is really busy and I never seem to make the time to email friends, no less write old-fashioned letters. I alleviate some of the guilt by sending the annual holiday letter some time between November and January. In it, we cover the events of each season, the kids contribute text, quotes, or pictures to the letter, and if I am really lucky, they Photoshop the letter and help address and stamp the envelopes, usually at our favorite camping cabin, without school, homework or work to worry about.

There are a few basic rules about these letters:

• They should be brief - about one page
• Be upbeat
• Include art or photos

Go ahead, try it! Have fun, and by the way, happy holidays - they are coming, whether we are ready or not!

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Labels: Holidays

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Teens and Mothers

To celebrate Mother's Day I thought it would be a great idea to involve my teens and asked them to help me create a post that would celebrate teens and moms!

The 15-year old produced the following poem she wrote for the post:



Mother
By Madison Brown-Moffitt

A gentle hand
A warm caress
A warm embrace
You feel safe when
Her arms around
You wrap and with
A kiss you fall
Asleep within
That warmth of love.

One day you leave
That same embrace
And leave those arms,
Never forget
She who has loved
You through and through,
Unwavering,
Your mother dear.

The 12-year old said, "no way - Mother's Day only happens because moms want to be worshipped an extra day each year," which stopped my warm, fuzzy, sentimental thoughts completely. And then I found some poems I had written for the girls when they were young, that I thought I would share with all of you - to remind us that we loved our teens more than life itself - at least when they were little - and every day we need to thank them for the experiences we've shared! They will all come around! Happy Mother's Day Everyone!

For Madison when she was five months old
9-4-92

We’ve kissed your eyes that they
Might twinkle forever.
We’ve whistled on your fingertips
That they may be musical.

We’ve massaged you gently
That you may walk
Softly on the earth,
We’ve sang you lullabies that you
Will dream peacefully.

What is left is to give you
The power in yourself –
The knowledge that you
Can, and will, be who
You choose to be.
I love you.

9-4-92

I opened an oyster one day and a small, beautiful fairy with nappy purple hair jumped out onto the beach I sat on and said, “Gee thanks,- I thought that dang oyster was gonna try and make me a pearl. To give up my nappy purple hair and look like every other pearl wouldn’t be no fun.” “You are welcome,” I said, and went about my business - the fairy did likewise.

1998 – for my darling daughters

We spend our days in so many happy little ways
Kisses and hugs, sleep from your eyes, everyone up to
Wash, if you please.
Momma, breakfast is done, we are ready for fun.
Can we be butterflies?

Butterfly wings and pixie dust, fly, fly, fly,
If you must.
Momma, Momma, do come quick, we found
Berries, ready to pick.
Rice, broccoli and maybe some peas
We’ll save the berries until later for tea.
Snuggle up and rest now, a book to read
Imagination is all we’ll need.
Dragons, castles, royalty, witches & wizards march
Through our dreams.

Snacks to be prepared,
A walk in the forest, a splash in the creek,
A quick little game of hide-and-don’t seek.
Mommies home – big hugs and a squeeze.
Oh mommy, we saw bugs, bees and peas, and big
Yellow flowers that made the baby sneeze.

Good night children. I love you both,
In so many happy little ways.

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Coming of Age

In the United States we categorize the life cycle into three different stages – childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. The period of adolescence, ages 13–22, includes physical changes associated with puberty completing middle school, high school, and for some, college. In spite of the major undertakings during this period, and the assumption of adult responsibility associated with them, we do not systematically celebrate or ritualize the transition from childhood to adolescence.

Granted, there are privileges to look forward to – driving, money management, working, going to college (for some), and legal drinking, but there is no formal acknowledgement that things are changing in terms of relationships with family, friends, and social institutions.

In many cultures, a ceremony, ritual or celebration rings in a time when a child becomes a young adult. For boys the age is usually 12 or 13 and for girls, the Coming of Age is usually celebrated at their first menstruation, which can be as early as 9 or as late as 15. A Quinceañera is celebrated in the Mexican culture when a girl turns fifteen. It is a social introduction and dates back to the Aztec and Mayan times, somewhere around 500 B.C.

In other cultures the coming of age is usually a celebration, and may include a tattoo, a trial, the piercing of a body part, or a period of isolation. Native Americans have many variations of the coming of age ritual, depending on the tribe. For the most part, girls have their rite of passage with the first menses and boys have theirs at the age of fourteen or fifteen. Both boys and girls are separated from the tribe to spend several days alone fasting. The hunger teaches the child patience and discipline. The isolations allows the child to stay completely focused on their goal, which is to have a dream or vision. This could take anywhere from four to fourteen days.

Girls stay in a wigwam made by their mothers away from the tribe, and after their vision, return to a feast. They are welcomed back with someone saying, “You left as a girl; you return as a woman. We sorrowed when you departed, leaving behind a girl we had grown to love. We rejoice at your return, new and different. Through you, the people will live.”

Today in the United States, boys do not usually mark the transition and for girls, periods is something kept very private and rarely spoken about with others, unless the family welcomes womanhood with a special gift, meal or celebration. When marking a Coming of Age, the ritual is acknowledging the shift in the relationship between parent and child, the ties betweens friends, and the path the person will take as an adult.

For many teens, as they enter adolescence parents begin to hand over some of the responsibilities they have had for the first 12 years of a child’s life. Parents may begin to shift some of the money management decisions to the teen, some will ask teens to do more chores around the house including helping with laundry and cooking, some teens begin to make their own doctors appointments, and most become responsible for their own homework and managing their time.

Relationships with peers change, as well. Friendships may change less frequently than they did in middle school as interests become solidified and friends become important emotional supporters and social allies. Teens spend much of their free time with their friends and those friends influence many of the decisions teens make about participation in church, clubs, sports, and other social activities.

Another important part of adolescence is choosing a life path, sometimes this includes deciding to put all free time into one sport, music, dance, or other hobby, starting to prepare for college applications, doing more community service, or learning about careers that may interest them.

No matter what the focus of the teen years will be, teens begin to spend more time away from home, everything changes at home, and you can design a ritual that focuses your child on both the joy of the childhood they have experienced and the beginning of the transition into adulthood. Developing a ritual opens the conversation about how relationships and people will change in the coming years. Not everything happens at once, but there is a definite change beginning – one that teens may be insecure about and families can embrace instead of dreading!

Below are a few ideas about how to create a ritual, but be careful. These should not be a surprise unless you know your child very well. One person’s celebration could be another’s most embarrassing moment. In the best of all worlds, the young person should be involved with all the planning.

Designing your own ritual

Where. Many rituals are performed in a circle because circles represent the flow of life, the never-ending circle of growth. The circle can be made of vines, a rope, or even chairs. The circle should be large enough to include all the guests and have an opening that people enter and exit through. Once everyone enters, the opening is closed and then re-opened to leave through.

Who. I suggest you invite the immediate family and a few close friends of the person becoming a teen. Make sure everyone you invite will be supportive and open to your homegrown ritual. The immediate family should each have a role in the ritual. The roles can include the person who opens and closes the entrance to the circle, the person who stars and stops the ritual with the bell, a narrator who explains what is going on, and a leader, that asks the youth to light the candles and then invites the guests to participate, where appropriate.

What. In most ceremonies there is an altar, that you can cover with silk or cloth, and on which you can put flowers, candles, a bell, matches, a candle-snuffer, a picture of the child as a baby, or anything else that signifies the change you are celebrating. I suggest two candles, one to represent childhood and one to represent adulthood. During the ritual you can ask the child to light one candle to represent the passing of the carefree joy of childhood, and then light the second to represent the path towards adulthood and other joys still to come, or ask them to light the second candle accepting the responsibilities of adulthood.

Music is always nice – a song that the teen likes, or one representing the change everyone is facing.

Activities. There are three activities I will suggest, but anything else you think of will work, too. The first activity is the lighting of the candles mentioned above and with any narrative you choose. The second activity is a ribbon cutting. The teen and the parent, usually the mom each have an end of a 6-foot length of ribbon tied (gently) to their wrist when they enter the circle and there is a pair of scissors on the alter. During the ritual, the mother might say something to the child like “I brought you into this world and our spirits will be forever joined. However, up until this time, I have led you through life and you have listened to everything I said. If you are ready, then today our relationship changes, and I offer my guidance and ever lasting love, but know that you have started down your own path, and may not always listen. I do hope that our new relationship is one of trust, honesty and warmth. You can cut away our old relationship today, but I will always be here for you.” With that, the teen can snip the ribbon, and maybe hug the mother!

This might be a nice time for the song to be played or sang, or a prayer said, then the leader can invite everyone to come forward, take a flower from a vase and give it to the teen (who you have seated by now), and tell them what they wish for their future and adulthood. No need to suggest what to say – there will be many blessings that are spontaneous and loving! Another variation of this is to ask all guests to share something about how they have changed from when they were 13 and what they wish for the young person’s adulthood.

The ritual ends with the snuffing of the candles, the ringing of the bell, the opening of the circle, the processing of guests out, and then ends with the sharing of a cake, meal or whatever your family likes to do.

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Labels: Holidays

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New Year Ritual

Continuing my theme about the importance of celebration and rituals in our lives, and especially involving teens in holiday rituals, here is a suggestion for a New Years Eve tradition. All you will need is a bowl, preferably metal, a pen, and paper. Flash paper works the best - it is the paper magicians use that bursts into flames and leaves no residue - very cool. Flash paper is available at some magic stores, but is also illegal in some counties because of its flammability. If you order it via the Internet, leave a couple days to dry it - it comes wet - as to not freak the postal workers out when it bursts into flame.

Start now and tell the kids what you want to do on New Years Eve. Ask everyone in the family to make three lists of all 1) the blessings they appreciated in 2006; 2) the things they experienced in 2006 that they hope they never have to endure again; and 3) the hopes and expectations they have for 2007. Remind everyone that these are private and no one should read the other's lists.

When New Years Eve gets here, have the kids write each of the things on their lists on a separate piece of the flash paper, and fold them so no one can read them. Then, once it is really dark, go outside and over the bowl, with a hose standing by in case things get out-of-hand (sorry - I am an old Girl Scout Leader), take turns burning the paper - start with the bad and end with the good!

When we do this together it brings back memories and fun stories. We usually hold hands while the burning ashes die down, and then we go about the evening - usually with a special dinner and a movie, or neighbors and "poppers" at midnight. They are available at party stores - the kind you pull the string on and the confetti streamers blow out. We love to decorate the trees that have lost their leaves with the streamers becasue in the morning sun they shimmer.

Remember to tell everyone in your family how much you love them and appreciate them in your life! Welcome 2007!

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Blessings for the Holidays

I am off to practice what I preach and spend seven wonderful sun-filled days with my daughters! I will not be posting until after 1/2/07.

2006 has been an amazing year for me. Please accept my thanks for reading my blog and for your comments and great ideas. I hope that together, in 2007, we can touch the lives of teens in positive and nurturing ways - guiding them emotionally, physically, and socially toward the lives they want to lead as adults.

I encourage each of you to take a moment this holiday season and look at the teen in your life - marvel at their strength, compassion, joy, skills, and dreams. Teens are magical and deserve every bit of the support we give them - and are probably worth each of the exasperated sighs and grey hairs, too!

Blessings and wishes for health, happiness and harmony!

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Teen Health and Holidays

I want to take a moment and wish everyone a happy holiday season. No matter which holidays your family embraces, the winter months bring opportunities to spend time together, as well as to reflect on our lives, choices, and futures. I send blessings to all the readers of this blog and hope that your lives are joyful, thankful and healthy.

In addition, remember that the natural tendency to retreat from the cold and dark, spend time at home, and be thoughtful, can bring comfort, but also sadness in people not happy with their circumstances. Especially during the busy holiday season, it is easy to let teens pull away from family gatherings, traditions, and rituals as they struggle to find their place in our families, deciding whether they belong with the adults or the children. Teens also may have lost some of the magic associated with the holidays, and depending on your family, may not have started to assume some of the responsibility for the activities of the holidays, which in the doing, also bring joy.

When preparing for this holiday season, remember your teen has many talents and plenty of energy to share, and s/he may need extra help getting into the spirit and feeling like they are a part of the holidays. I encourage you to include them in the planning and to find activities they enjoy and can be responsible for - creating the family newsletter, preparing and addressing cards, planning and preparing for parties, planning and cooking meals, baking, decorating, making gifts for teachers, shopping, wrapping, mailing, even cleaning. I realize not everyone thinks of these activities as fun, but consciously choosing the activities you will complete, remembering what is important about them, and doing them with your teens can provide you both with some quality time, as well as providing your teen with an understanding of how the holidays come about, the energy and love that go into the preparations, and an opportunity to make a contribution she or he can be proud of.

Slowing down and thinking through your priorities, the activities you will participate in, and remembering to find the joy of the holidays will not only help your teens, it may help you find a little extra joy, too! During the holidays - be well, laugh often, love well, and play well!

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