The "Used To Be" Empty Nest

Here is a new parenting issue - how do parents handle having their college graduate come home to stay? According to Collegegrad.com it seems that more and more (77% last year) college graduates are not getting a job after college or setting up their own homes, but are moving back in with mom and/or dad.

Is it the recession or is it that this generation (Gen Y) is just more attached to family and home, and maybe less motivated? I cannot help thinking that this phenomenon is related to the issues experienced by college freshmen, too!

In previous posts I have talked about the higher numbers of first year college students who seem emotionally unprepared for college in spite of wonderful academic, music, sports, and community service records. What seems to be missing are the skills required to be an adult, manage time, handle problems and negotiate "the real world." Maybe this generation of students are all struggling, but the ones making it through four years of college are suffering, at the other end.

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Book Review: The Launching Years (Part 2)

Once your teen actually leaves for college, the authors of this wonderful book suggest that your relationship with him or her will likely improve, overnight!

Part 2 of this review focuses on what to expect the first year your teen is in college. I remember leaving my children at kindergarten for the first time, and driving away while they stand at the curb in front of their dorm sounds a little like that! (Ouch!)

This book will help you dry your eyes and move through your grief, or maybe joy that your teen is at college. Some parents are happy and some are devastated with their new "emptier nest," but the second half of this book can help with whatever reaction you are having. In theory, you have gotten them to college, they have everything they need, and the university is supposed to take over.

There will be orientations, social events, resident assistants, dorm parents, counselors, advisers, and peer counselors to help with anything that goes wrong, but the authors suggest you should be prepared for some hysterical phone calls, anyway! Chapter four has some great suggestions for handling what the authors call "the dump call," and for knowing when a situation may require that you step in.

Just a few hints - no matter how much you miss them, the correct response to a dump call is NOT "come home - who needs college anyway!" A better response is to listen, provide a little empathy, and let them move on, as the authors suggest they will. Another call you may get is "I need more money," and the correct response, unless you are very wealthy, is NOT "sure, how much shall I send." (I liked that advice!)

During this emotional time, like so many other life transitions, you might not just be dealing with the loss of your teen, your relationship with your spouse may need some extra attention, and if there are siblings at home, they may need some extra support, too! Go figure! Whatever your family is feeling in reaction to this transition, the authors have some great advice and include stories from families just like yours.

The Launching Years is a great book for parents of older teens and college-aged students - the strategies it provides are priceless, even for families in which teens do not leave home but stay at home for a few more years. Every family is different, but all teens have to start being responsible adults at about age 18 and this book can help!

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Thank You - Grand Rounds 4.45

Thanks to Edwin Leap at EdwinLeap.com for hosting Grand Rounds 4.45 this week and including my post about sending teens off to college. It was interesting to read answers to Dr. Leap's question of "why do we do it," which helped me answer the question, too.

I do this blog because I think people who are raising teens need support, attention and encouragement to feel blessed that they can spend each day with teens - who are creative, intelligent, and magical beings!

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Book Review: The Launching Years (Part 1)

The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life, by Laura Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt is a must read for parents of juniors or seniors in high school, as well as parents of college-aged young adults. With steadfast encouragement these authors give practical suggestions for doing a great job launching your teens, not just coping with the problems that sometimes creep into our families during this exciting period of life.

There was so much information in this book that I decided to have two reviews. This first section is for parents of high school students, and Part 2 will be for parents of college-aged children. The only "issue" I had with the book is that it describes the college process and launching as occurring in the senior year, which I disagree with. Launching, and preparing a child to leave home with all of the assets they will need to be successful really needs to start much earlier, and the launching process for college-bound youth really needs to begin in the junior year of high school. Pushing all of the college-preparation activities into senior year demands a crisis!

Apart from that, I think the authors did a great job identifying how important this phase of parenting is, and how little attention and support parents get during this challenging time. They also describe the barriers to successful launching, from both the child and parent perspectives, and provide comfort and practical strategies to overcome the typical hurdles. There are suggestions for how to mitigate the stress associated with college applications, and what to do when college-bound teens suddenly get clingy, dependent or rebellious.

Some of the reassurances that may calm parents of younger teens include the fact that with over 3,000 accredited colleges in the United States, there will be a spot for your child. Students with a C average can actually be admitted to more than 1,000 colleges, and B students can attend all but the top 200 schools! Other encouraging facts are that "where" a person goes to college seems to be less important to success than the number of years spent in higher education and the actual completion of the degree.

Instead of worrying about "where" a child goes to college the authors suggest parents focus on:

• Whether teens are building strong interests both within and outside of school;
• How motivated a teen is;
• Whether a teen know how to take advantage of whatever resources are available;
• Whether a teen is engaged, aware, resilient, responsible and committed to living a productive life; and
  
• What goals and values a teen is reflecting with their behavior.

There are great stories about real families, with real, not perfect children, and gentle reminders to handle our own personal issues outside of our relationships with our children that will bolster all parents. There is a section about the ADHD child, gap years, alternatives to college, boomerang teens who need some more time at home before going off to school, and even teens who seem to go off the deep end while preparing to launch. Basically, this book includes something for everyone.

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Collge Students and Stress

Stress is actually a pretty normal part of college and adult life. Stress tends to result from balancing different aspects of our lives. Schoolwork has to be done, there are financial worries, extracurricular activities that can add pressure, as well as family issues back home, relationships, friends, work, health, and worrying about getting a job or into graduate school after college. Stress is not always a bad thing - for many of us, it keeps us focused and productive.

Stress can be a problem if you find you cannot sleep, or wake up after a few hours of sleep, do not feel like eating, are feeling too tired to do things you usually enjoy, find yourself pulling away from social activities or friends, or get agitated more easily than usual. If you are experiencing any of those symptoms for more than a few days, it is a good idea to call your college health center and ask about resources for stress.

Most adults develop strategies for coping with stress that include exercise, meditation, or regular activities with friends, which are healthy ways to cope with stress. If you find yourself using drugs, alcohol, or risky sex to manage stress, those behaviors suggest some counseling is in order.

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Labels: Alcohol, College, Healthline, Mental Health

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Education Update - Is it Good News or Not?

Keeping to the educational theme this week, it seems more CA students are passing college-level exams than in previous years. A recent article in our local paper suggested that according to the California Department of Education, about 20% of the kids in CA score at least a "3" on an advanced placement (AP) test, which is a passing score on the 5-point scale. Students who pass the test can earn credit and advanced placement in college. Across the country, only about 12% of students are passing an AP test, although there are state differences. In New York 23% pass; in Maryland 22% pass; Virginia is coming in at 22%, and Connecticut, Massachusetts and Vermont are at about 20%. There are ethnic disparities however - in California, only about 2% of the passing scores are African American students, compared to the 7% of students who are African American in our schools.

I really am ambivalent about AP classes, overall, especially given the concern about "raising the bar" and making it so hard to get into universities. More than 90% of four-year colleges and universities in the United States recognize the AP program for credit, placement and admissions decisions, adding it to the list of "must dos" for the college bound among our children. One of my own daughters is finishing her sophomore year and is staring down the barrel of AP courses next year, on top of thoughts about where to attend college, and I dare say, it seems a little intense.

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A Gap Year - What is That?

My daughter has a friend whose family is into "gap years" between high school and college and when she first suggested the idea I have to admit I was a bit reluctant, but it was because I did not understand what a "gap year," was. I thought it meant putting off applying to college for a year, but in fact, there are several ways gap years happen. Basically, a gap year is a structured program the year after high school and before college, and even during or after college. The idea seems to be much more popular in Europe than it has been here, and the key is "structured."

There are two types of kids that this gap year works for: the first is the highly motivated student who has already been accepted into college, and defers starting for one year, and the second is the student who struggled through high school and needs a break from the academic pressure before applying to college. For the highly motivated student, the gap year can provide a year to gain maturity, get an international perspective, and maybe do service work or an internship. For the struggling student, the gap year can provide an opportunity to explore possible careers and also regain focus and drive to get more out of an academic program when they do apply.

Harvard has been encouraging youth to do this for many years with up to 20% of their students taking some time off and Princeton University recently announced a program starting in 2009 that will send 10% of their incoming frosh to do social service work in a foreign country before they start their freshman year.

There are two agencies that help match students with a gap year opportunity - the Center for Interim Programs and the Dynamy Internship Year. Both programs describe the gap year as helping students be self-reliant, self-confident, and more focused for academics the following year. To find out if the idea of a gap year is right for your teen, the first step is probably meeting with the college counselor to discuss it and exploring the two web site links above.

Given that there is some concern about the emotional preparedness of our high school seniors and their readiness to live independently, as well as the consequences of the academic pressure they experience, I have to admit a gap year is not looking like a bad idea.

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Stanford Here We Come!

How does free tuition sound to you parents of high school students? Well it is true! On Wednesday, February 20, 2008 Stanford announced that families earning less than $100,000 a year will not have to pay tuition for their children to attend Stanford University. In addition, if a family makes less than $60,000, the university will throw in the cost of room and board and other expenses - I am assuming they mean books.

This new (and largest increase in its history) commitment to financial aid means the university will allocate $114 million to its financial-aid program for the 2008-2009 academic year which will likely increase the aid provided to three out of four current students, as well as providing support for new students. The goal of this new program is to eliminate the need for student loans to cover the current annual undergraduate expense of about $45,606 a year ($34,800 of which is tuition). Stanford University John Hennessey said that "no high school senior should rule out applying to Stanford because of the cost," which is truly reminiscent of the Stanford's goal of founding the university "for the children of workers."

My graduate degree is from Stanford and as a person from blue-collar roots I can tell you that it may take a while for the impact of this new program to take hold, but it will be wonderful for youth from all socioeconomic status (SES) levels to be able to walk onto the Stanford campus and feel like they belong there because of their brain and character, not their SES. It would be naive however to trust that every youth who gets accepted has had the same academic preparation though and I predict that the university will also have to increase the budget for the programs providing mentorship and small class sizes that actually facilitate faculty and students getting to know one another, one example being Freshman and Sophomore Programs, which happens to be celebrating its 10 year anniversary.

Look out Stanford here comes some amazing young people - and thanks from all of us parents who want our children to be able to see their dreams come true!

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College Applications and Facebook/MySpace Pages

As more teens create pages on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, it is important for parents to remind them that what they post is visible to anyone in the world with Internet access. For some reason, teens seem to believe that only their intended audience is accessing their pages and do not think that potential employers and colleges they apply to can see those pages and use the impression they get in admission or hiring decisions, but they can and do!

It costs employers money to hire new employees and they want to attract good employees, similarly to universities that want students who will reflect well on their reputation. It is in the best interest of the colleges and employers to learn everything they can about a person, so all information is fair game.

It is interesting to note that although it is illegal to ask about personal life, disability, religion, etc.. during the hiring process, it is not illegal to look at a Facebook page, which may include all of that information.

A new study "The Game Has Changed..." done at the Center for Marketing Research at the University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth (CMR) reported that 21% of colleges and universities sometimes review students and social-networking profiles and more than 26% look for information about student using standard search engines. Be smart!

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Labels: College, Healthline, Parenting, Teen Health

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Is Character as Important as Grades?

Hooligans, vandals, and violent teens beware - your "pranks," and unsocial behavior may cost you admission to the college of your choice!

As we have effectively raised the bar for students, many of today's college applicants have an "A" average, music, sports, and community service experience, so colleges have now started actively seeking students who will contribute positively to the college community by looking for feedback about the students conduct and character, in addition to their transcripts and test scores. Particularly amid heightened concerns about campus safety, more than 315 schools are requesting information from guidance counselors and students themselves about law breaking, disciplinary action, and even smoking in the bathrooms.

The questions are designed to help colleges select student with character and not just brains, and most high schools are warning incoming frosh that their behavior will impact college applications. Sadly, there are other schools that refuse to provide the information. It has been estimated that of the 1.2 million American teenagers who submitted the common application to join the college graduation class of 2012, it is estimated that about 5,500 had reported records of academic or behavioral misconduct.

I am very concerned that this new procedure really puts schools in a position of now only judging what inappropriate behavior is reportable to colleges, but also creates a situation in which honest reporting costs people their jobs when parent donors are angered and the number of students from the school getting into top schools starts to decline. Counselors are probably clear that violence against another student should not be swept under the rug, but what about drinking at a dance, cheating, or MySpace bullying? Who gets to decide what is important, especially if it did not result in a suspension or expulsion?

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PSAT Scores and College Prep

In October high school sophomores and juniors across the United States take the PSAT test to qualify for National merit Scholarship recognition. In December, the scores and test booklets are sent to the school and student with scores for the three sections - Critical Reading, Mathematics, and Writing Skills - that include percentiles (you scored higher than XX% of the other sophomores (or juniors) who took the test this year. The student also gets a percentile score comparing his or her performance with college-bound juniors, which is pretty cool if you are only a sophomore and out scoring many juniors.

The most helpful section is a section at the bottom of the report called "Improve your Skills," which reflects questions the student missed and lists exact skills each student needs to improve in each section of the test, with ideas of things they can do to improve those skills before taking the test again next year. Finally, each student can go to www.collegeboard.com/quickstart to get a free college planning kit, see questions and answer explanations, compare their own performance to the performance of other teens in their state, explore colleges majors and careers, and get a personalized SAT study plan.

I have to admit this makes the whole "let's start to talk about college," discussion easier, although no less scary. I want to encourage all parents of high school frosh or sophomores to talk with their son or daughter about taking the test as a sophomore, when it does not matter, as practice. If a teen does well, it is a confidence booster, and if s/he does not, they get a personalized study plan to improve the scores next year - it is really a win-win situation.

I think earlier this year I might have been a little resistant to getting a sophomore thinking about college in such a competitive way, but now I am glad our school registered her. There is no backing out though - the students are already marching down the path! College here we come!

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Book Review: When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parents Survival Guide

As promised, here is the first book I can recommend for parents struggling with an empty nest. When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parents Survival Guide (1998), by Carol Barkin is a "support group with a binding" for parents preparing to let their kids go off to college. It is supportive, reassuring, and practical. Every family is different of course, so there is no "how to" manual, but this book is a great start - providing both the parent and student perspectives on celebrations and rituals, packing, emotional ups and down, relationships, and even many great suggestions for how to share the process in divorced families.

For those of you readers whose children have gone off to college, sit back and gloat that you survived, for those of you approaching the college years, this is a wake-up call - start preparing your children to be independent now - do not delay!

Ms. Barkin describes the months before the student leaves for college as intense. For the student, there is major emotional upheaval. Underneath the excitement of graduating from high school, and starting college are fears about whether or not they selected the right school, will make friends, and know what they need to survive in college. The more reflective students may also be a little sad that their childhood is drawing to an end and the security of home can no longer be taken for granted.

Parents, too have spent months worrying about issues as diverse as whether their child is as good as others and if the school they are attending will nurture their brilliance, and whether the co-ed showers will be an issue. Really obsessive parents buy a years worth of shampoo, remind their kids to eat five fruits and vegetables a day, and start home economics classes to teach "the basics" of getting up without a wake-up from a parent, cleaning, maintaining the car, banking, accessing medical care, and doing laundry. Every parent has worked so hard to get their kid to college, and is proud, but with every other breath, the same parent may just want to keep them in a strangle hold.

Every family says goodbye differently, whether it is at an airport, a new campus, or even on the phone, and then there is the emptier nest. Whether you have other children, or not, there is an empty spot in the car, at the table, in family debates, or even jokes - you will miss your child. This is normal. You can write cards and letters, leave voice messages, send emails, but try and let your child dictate how much contact there is - s/he is also trying to get used to the new life. Telling him or her that you miss them terribly is a burden they do not need - they cannot fix it - that is your job.

According to this book, most parents say "start filling the holes." Start a new project, make travel plans for seeing your child, take a weekend getaway, talk to other parents whose children also have just left, spend extra time with the children at home, join a new organization, start a home project, make new friends, but whatever you do, find something positive to think about, not just the child you are missing.

If you are used to knowing where your child was during the day, what the classrooms or work place looked like, it can be very disconcerting for you not to know what your child is doing, when, or where. Try not to focus on what you do not know, and plan a trip to visit your child so you can see what his or her dorm room is like, where the classes are, where they eat, etc... so there is less anxiety on your part.

One very important warning in this book is about the first time you visit your child at school. Be prepared for some awkwardness and for him or her not to need to spend every minute with you - they are not used to spending 24 hours a day with you and may have a life! Please do not be critical of their space, lifestyle, friends, or choice - be supportive of the life they are building. Be prepared to be shown around, and then left alone at times - this is a good thing - it means they are adjusting! Try not to be hurt or annoyed - it is what it is!

Obviously there is more in this book than I can share in this review, so I encourage you to read it for tips about preparing for the transition, what to do if things do not go well, and living through the first year. As with any transition in life - you are not alone - reach out, talk about how it feels to have your kid leaving for or at college, and forgive yourself for wishing s/he was still at home instead of grown up - this is all good!

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Are Teens Emotionally Ready for College

A recent article in Edutopia by Jill Flury suggested that many teens are not emotionally ready for college, and it is our fault! In spite of the fact that kids are put into the college fast track in elementary school, institutions are providing support to meet college admissions requirements, there are tutors to help teens get into the college of their choice (for those who can afford it), and parents are pushing kids to "do it all," there are plenty of kids who do not make it through the first year at universities nation-wide.

Ms. Flury suggests that the dropout rate is not about a lack of academic skills, instead it is because students are not being prepared for the transition to college - and the self-care that transition requires. College frosh are experiencing low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, stress, and health issues at record levels. Knowing how to write an essay, having a high GPA, playing an instrument, being an athlete, national scholar, or valedictorian, are not going to prepare a student for pressures of living independently. Very few school are giving teens the "wellness" skills they will need to manage stress, deadlines, and competing goals (like fun and schoolwork). There are exceptions, like the fitness and wellness program at Castilleja School, in Palo Alto, but these programs are not the norm.

This article suggests that we need to worry about teaching kids how to do laundry, cook, clean, maintain their car, manage money, handle the daily stress of competing goals, and find ways to take care of themselves emotionally, spiritually, and physically while juggling everything else in their lives - like school, relationships, and work. Teens seem to need a wellness course, in addition to living skills, and parents need to make sure this training is happening at schools or in their own homes. Maybe we are beginning to see that the overscheduled, AP track is not really working for our teens and as parents, we are going to have to help them pull back the reins and slow down!!

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Teens Leaving for College

There are entire books written for teens going away to college - how to prepare, how to make the best of your freshman year, getting the most from your undergraduate education, etc... but what many parents forget to read are the books about what it is like to watch your teen prepare to leave home - maybe for good! I will be reviewing a couple of those books for parents in the next few weeks, but for now, I just want to put my arms around all of the parents out there who have just been left at home while their teens went off to college! Here is a great big hug!

I know this is tough - I have been watching for months, as the packing, planning, and saying good-bye has been happening, but now, there is a finality to the whole process - the teen is safely settled into a dorm somewhere far away, excited about buying books, doing laundry, eating in the cafeteria, meeting great people, starting classes, and adjusting to the weather. Great for him or her - but what about the parent - who is waiting for the phone to ring and dealing with the emptiness in the house, at the dinner table, in the car, and in his or her day?

Some parents seem calm - almost peaceful - and others are stressed, tearful, and anxious - and I am unsure what makes the difference. We all knew this was coming - there were college applications, the SAT and AP exams, graduation - there is only one place those activities take our children - away from us! Whether your child moved out of the house for good or left their room intact and moved into a dorm - they are adults now - on their own, responsible for themselves, and thanks to you, prepared!

I keep flashing back to when my first child started kindergarten. I remember reassuring her that even if I was not with her during the day, I was still in her heart and then crying my eyes out as the door to the room shut behind me. I remember telling myself I had done everything I could to give her the self-confidence and skills she needed, and it was time to let her go walk through the world without me. All that drama for four hours every morning five days a week seems so silly now - and really petty compared to letting a kid go off to the other side of the country and live in a co-ed dorm. Whether or not it is a fair comparison - the issues are the same - and we use the same words to describe the process - launching, empty nest, letting go, and independence.

This is an important transition - your young adults need to learn how to manage their lives without us nagging at them, saving them or helping them organize and accomplish things - it is their time and we have done everything we can to help them be successful - now let them go and start filling the holes. Take care of yourself, spend more time with other children, friends or spouses, start a new hobby, work more, but let your teen be independent. No calling five times a day, or trying to keep them attached! Breathe deep, pat yourself on the back for raising a successful human being, and move on - it will be a gift for both of you!

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