Financial Fitness for Teens and Preteens

According to the Summer, 2007 magazine called On Investing: Strategies & Ideas for Clients of Charles Schwab and a 2003 Harris Poll, preteen members of Generation Y (those born between 1982 and 1995) spend more than $19.1 billion annually, 87% of which is supplied by parents. Add that to the $15 billion a year spent on TV advertising to kids, and the chances of our preteens developing some very unhealthy spending habits risers dramatically.

Some of the advice they offer is:

• Teach kids to save, starting in preschool;
• Give kids an allowance, but make them responsible for buying certain items, so that they learn how to set spending priorities; and
• Teach by sharing your own financial decisions with your children, especially those concerning family expenses like vacations, and your saving priorities relating to their college funds.

Schwab also has a site to help you raise financially responsible teens that provides guidance on topics like budgeting, saving, credit, buying a car, leaving home, and taxes. You can find that advice at Schwab MoneyWise.

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Labels: Parenting

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Celebrating Girls and Women in Sports

Pretty Tough LLC, a lifestyle brand as well as online community, has a web site full of new and vintage sports-related videos, music, products (hence the ".com"), female athlete & coach profiles, and even a book club. Everything about this site is directed at helping girls and young women excel in athletics, but stay feminine, i.e., pretty, but tough!

Teens seem especially likely to distinguish athletes from the "girly girls," creating an artificial distinction that suggest being in shape and powerful makes a young woman less feminine. Some girls are also less likely to try out for sports, assuming that they will be considered "tomboys," or less likely to appeal to potential romantic interests. Sadly, starting in middle school, sports tend to become more serious and competitive, leaving out all of the girls who may not excel in sports, but certainly need to develop lifelong exercise habits.

Along with helping teens see pretty young women as athletes, this site may help young people realize that to stay healthy, they will need to develop habits and interests as teens that will help them get exercise every day of their adult lives.

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Labels: Fitness

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Book Review: Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both (2007)

This book, by Laura Sessions Stepp suggests that sex on college campuses for young women today means joyless encounters devoid of pleasure, leading to cynical and depressed young women. Her conclusions are supported by interviews with young women and stories about nine girls over the period of one year. The thing that all of these young women have in common is that none of them seem happy, fulfilled, or even very much in touch with what it would mean to have an intimate relationship. As I read this book I was profoundly sad, for the young women, for the mothers of the young women, and finally, for the author, who listened to tales of sadness, anorexia, depression, binge drinking, and rape.

I think every parent with teenage daughters should read this book, to remind ourselves about what we need to be talking about with our kids, and how to prepare them for college, particularly if the scenario described by this author is one that they will find themselves facing. Ms. Sessions Stepp seems to suggest that the sex education our children are not getting, along with messages from parents that downplay intimate relationships in exchange for competition, good education, and career goals, is creating a generation of young women who not only feel entitled to immediate gratification, but are trying to pursue love through sex, and failing miserably.

The young women having multiple sexual partners were getting sexually transmitted infections, but there is very little mention of how often they were being tested, using birth control and/or using condoms. In addition, maybe the most disturbing part of the book for me, was how little these women expected from their sexual partners, how little "getting to know you" time was expected, and how poorly they allowed men to treat them. We as parents are failing miserably if we are not giving our daughters the skills to identify disrespectful, emotionally abusive, and unfulfilling relationships, as well as the understanding that their bodies are their own and no one can enter their bodies without being invited, under any circumstance.

I was also struck by the fact that these young women seem to be approaching everything in their lives with the same "lack of self-reflection." Their work ethics, sports, bodies, friendships, school performance, family connection, and sexuality seem to all be missing a depth and sense of connection to the world around them that may be indicative of a much larger social ill - a lack of connection, in exchange for control, physical sensation and monetary gain, that would make true satisfaction, with any aspect of their lives, impossible.

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Labels: Book Review, Sexuality

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Grand Rounds 3.40: Thank You

I want to thank wandering visitor for hosting Grand Rounds 3.40 this week and including my post about what inspires me. This week was really interesting and gave me an opportunity to get to know more about my fellow bloggers and begin to feel like I belong in the great blogosphere!

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Girl, Positive Premieres Tonight (6/25/07) on Lifetime Television

I admit it is ironic that I am promoting a TV movie, but this one sounds like it might be worth watching, or in my case, begging someone to tape for me. Lifetime has partnered with the Elton John AIDS Foundation, Advocates for Youth, and other organizations to raise awareness about HIV testing. This movie starring Andrea Bowen (Desperate Housewives) and Jennie Garth (Beverly Hills 90210) is a powerful story about Rachel, a high school senior whose carefree world is disturbed by news that a popular athlete, and former sex partner, died unexpectedly and was an intravenous drug user. Rachel fears she may be infected with HIV, is encouraged by a teacher to get tested, and must come to grips with this life-changing news.

According to the U.S. National Office of AIDS Policy, half of all new HIV infections occur in people under age 25, and one-fourth of these new infections are contracted by people under the age of 21. Girl Positive may be a great way to start a conversation about safer sex and HIV with your teens.

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Labels: HIV

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Parenting as Inspiration

As parents it is all too easy to get caught up in the thousands of things we feel we have to do every day and forget what really matters. Each day we need to worry about getting ourselves and kids to work, school and after school activities, complete errands relating to pets, bosses, neighbors, cars, clothes, school, medical care, vacations, and balance the priority we give each of those things. Amidst all of that activity, it is sometimes hard to remember to breathe, smile, look into the eyes of the people we love, and make sure we are "present, " listening to not only their words, but what their bodies are telling us. It does not really matter if the yard, car, house, and kids look perfect, if the people we love have not heard each day, through our words and our actions, how wonderful they are and how much we appreciate them.

If in fact we slow down and actually remember to prioritize the people we interact with every day, we will be inspired - and peaceful - which will also infect people around us with a sense of well-being. If we slow down we will also notice the nice things in the world that people do for each other, and remember to do nice things for others. We might notice that the people in our lives are considerate, kind, and loving, and say something to thank them. We might remember to smile at the old person we pass each morning walking the dog, or the new neighbor on the street. Reaching out to others to give comfort, actually comforts us. A recent reminder of this was the Virginia Tech Tragedy. A friend wrote a note of condolence to the administration and got a response - telling her about the thousands upon thousands of notes they got from people around the world, who, in spite of being busy with their own lives, took a moment to offer a blessing. It is acts of kindness like this that remind me that the world is good, and I am not alone.

Doing things for others, and acknowledging that we are part of a community, or multiple communities of people that we are ethically responsible to, and caring for those people, is what parenting is all about. It is not just our children that we are responsible for, but everyone in our daily lives. Being aware of, nurturing, and caring for all of those people is what "parenting" is all about.

We all receive these gifts each day, from the people we know and even strangers who help us make it through our busy days, answering phones, serving coffee, delivering the mail, taking away the garbage, helping us succeed at work, answering our questions, teaching our children, fixing our cars, and bagging our groceries. In fact, nothing is possible without lots and lots of people that interact with us daily. It is the reciprocal nature of this dance we do every day - being cared for and caring for others that I think defines parenting, which inspires me, and helps me remember to breathe and smile!

Appreciating and valuing people is also the characteristic that defines the people in the world that I respect the most. Those people, no matter how important they are, who understand that their success is dependent on others, seem to give the best speeches and advice. Everyone is a parent if we define parenting as the caring for, and being cared for, by others.

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Labels: Emotional Health, Parenting

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Preparing Your Teen/Preteen for Being Away from Home

Summer brings opportunities for preteens and teens to spread their wings and for those lucky enough, a chance to go away to camp. Preparing your child to be away from home can reduce the chances of and degree to which they may feel homesick.

Most camps restrict contact with home to letters while kids are at camp because it is easier for the kids to not have phone contact while away. You can provide comfort to your child by sending letters early so that they get mail while at camp. I learned the hard way the pictures are not a great thing to send. One year I made a collage of family and pet pictures to send to my daughter and when she came home, she told me that the collage had been the only letter that made her miss us.

Here are some suggestions to help your child adjust to being away from home:

• Start early preparing your child. Find out what is worrying your child about being away from home and let them know what they can expect - about eating, sleeping, showering, activities, etc.. and then practice walking in the dark, using a flashlight, etc....
• Stress the positive and talk about what your child should do if unhappy. Have a plan about what your child will do if they are sad or unhappy - let them know they can talk to the director, nurse, or counselor. Do not promise to "rescue" them or bring your child home early - stress the importance of coping when things are not perfect. You can pack a stuffed toy they can use for support, practice sleeping without a night light if that is a fear, so they get used to problem-solving.
• Send letters so that your child knows you are thinking about them, and pack stationary and self-addressed envelopes so that writing to you is easy.

Finally, your child will be fine, but you may be nervous or anxious. Do not try to call your camper, but instead, call the director with any concerns you have and let him or her investigate and get back to you. You will both make it through this experience! Be brave!

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Labels: Travel

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Traveling with Teens: Part 2

We're Back!

I love the trips I have taken with teens over the last few years because hanging out with them 24/7 provides a unique insight into their relationships and daily patterns. I usually take a couple of books that we all take turns reading for hours of discussion and arguments, but this time, because we were on a performing tour that including daily performances and rehearsals, just managing logistics kept us all busy.

Germany and Austria
I had never been to Europe and now understand why people sit on planes for 11+ hours to visit. History is so different there - and everything revolves around that history! My family, along with 25 other girls between the ages of 11 and 15, and 14 other adults - assorted parents, three teachers, a tour guide, and a driver - visited Munich, Salzburg, and Vienna while the middle school choir and combined orchestra performed in some amazing churches and assorted other venues.

I have to say that hearing these young women perform was amazing - that they had dedicated so many hours to singing and playing an instrument, at such young ages, was inspiring. The audiences were so appreciative and the girls were so proud of themselves. One man, in broken English, asked them to all sign his program, so when they were famous, he would have their signatures. Another person, left about $25 because it was too good to be free, and the girls, without a second thought, donated it to the monastery where we were staying.

I also learned a few things that I will pass on to you, without too much detail. First, when traveling with teens, carry a first aid kit that includes at least, itch cream, tylenol, eye drops, bandaids, Neosporin cream, sanitary products, and a sewing kit. Second, make sure that they know the cell phone number of the tour guide, and the name of the hotel they are staying in each night - in case they get lost (which did not happen to us - thank goodness)! Third, remind them at the end of every day what the next day holds, and any expectations you have about timing, cleaning or packing, and what they will need in their day packs. This includes reminding them to look in the room and bathroom before leaving the final time. Fourth, give them all a little list of phrases in the language spoken in the area that they can use to communicate, just in case. Finally, remember that teens need connection, and a "good night," and acknowledgment of their accomplishments of the day, goes a long way to alleviate any homesickness.

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Labels: Travel

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Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction

Abuse and addiction to alcohol, nicotine and illegal substances cost Americans nearly one trillion dollars a year in medical costs, lost wages, and criminal proceedings. There is no way to measure the social impact and the damage that abuse does to families living with addiction. In addition, every year more than 100,000 American deaths are related to illicit drugs and alcohol and 440,000 deaths are linked to tobacco use.

The National Institute of Drug Addiction (NIDA) has a downloadable 30-page full-color booklet that explains in layman's terms how drug addiction is a brain disease that affects behavior, versus being a moral flaw. One of the goals of this publication is to reduce stigma against addictive behaviors, and help people understand why people become addicted and how drugs change the brain to foster compulsive drug use.

This booklet discusses reasons people may begin to take drugs, why only some people become addicted, how drugs work in the brain to reduce a person's ability to make sound decisions and use self-control, and how addiction is treated. By treating addiction like any other chronic disease that can be successfully managed, this booklet helps people understand how, with ongoing treatment, people can regain control of their lives.

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Labels: Substance Abuse

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Telling Someone They May Have an STD

Here is a novel idea - tell someone they may have gotten a sexually transmitted infection from you by sending an anonymous e-card. The cards are available from the Internet Sexuality Information Services and are like a birthday card except that they encourage the recipient to get tested, instead of sharing blessings. The cards are available free nationwide, but the site requires the sender to click on a geographic region before sending the card so that location-specific information about where the recipient get tested can be provided.

As odd as this sounds, this is an important service given that most sexually transmitted infections produce no symptoms and untreated, they can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and infertility. Teens have very high rates of sexually transmitted infections

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School Bullying

I bet you can all remember hearing your parents say that "kids will be kids," and when our peers were mean, we should "get over it," because mean people, teasing and bullying were just a part of life. Well, like everything else, our kids are experiencing a different reality and the old advice just is not appropriate any more.

A recent study by the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and the Stanford University School of Medicine reported that nine out of ten elementary students have been bullied by their peers. In fact, six in ten children surveyed also reported that they have participated in some form of bullying others, as well. Researchers asked 270 children in grades three through six in two schools in California and one school in Arizona to complete a 22-item survey about bullying. They survey asked questions about threatening and physical bullying as well as exclusion and spreading rumors.

Previous research has shown that without intervention, bullying behavior persists over time, and that children who are bullies are more likely to end up in prison then their non-bullying peers. The results of this new study suggest that both bullies and victims suffer higher levels of depression and other mental health problems, including anxiety and suicidal thoughts. The most effective interventions seem to be those that include changing the norms of a school to be intolerant of any bullying behavior, from principals to support staff, everyone must recognize and stop bullying, in any form. Parents can help by talking to their kids about what to do if they are bullied, or witness someone else being bullied.

Resources: The Bully Module; Kid Power

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Labels: Bullying

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Alcohol Use and School Attachment

Alcohol use in middle school has become an increasing concern after the 2003 wave of the Monitoring the Future study reported that 20% of the 8th graders completing a survey reported having ever been drunk, and 7% reported having been drunk in the last 30 days. This is an obviously disturbing fact by itself, but to make matters worse, we know that addiction that starts early is harder to control as an adult.

A research article in the February 2007 issue of the Journal of School Health suggested that improving the school climate may result in less substance abuse among students. This conclusion is based on their results which suggest that regardless of a student's own level of school attachment, students who attend schools where pupils tend to be attached to the schools are less likely to use alcohol, have less intention to use alcohol, and perceive that fewer other students in school use alcohol.

Their data was collected between 1999 and 2003 from 4,216 youth in 32 middle and junior high schools across the United States using the Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The results of this study would suggest that while most interventions attempt to change individual behavior, the more effective interventions may focus on changing the school climate to enhance attachment to school. Attachment is stronger when the school environment is pleasant, there are positive bonds between faculty and students, when teachers and students participate in activities together, and that student have the opportunity to serve in leadership roles.

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Labels: Research, Substance Abuse

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Traveling with Teens: Part 1

I guess I am lucky in that my kids' friends actually like me and never seem to mind me hanging around. They even let me sit with them at the movies and keep parents company during parties. This special status means I clean up after them a lot, have other people's kids in my home almost constantly, and that I do a lot of driving since most of them are not old enough to have teens in the car while they drive themselves. It also means that when a chaperone is needed, I am usually on the top of the list.

This summer brings me two wonderful opportunities to travel with groups of teenagers. The first trip, where I am right now, is a nine-day performance tour to Germany and Austria to watch my daughter's school orchestra and chorus perform. This trip is with about 40 parents, teachers and teens, and includes air travel, hotels, restaurants, and tours that were organized by a tour company. Stay tuned for Part 2 of "traveling with teens," when I will tell you how the trip went.

The second trip in July is a community service trip to Howling Acres Wolf Sanctuary in Oregon organized by my eldest daughter that includes driving and camping with six teenagers for a week. This will be the third summer that we have made this trip, but the first two summers involved sleeping in a volunteer house, with running water and a kitchen. The teens make a menu and a grocery list while we drive, do the shopping, and help with the cooking and cleaning, in addition to their chores each day at the sanctuary. This summer is camping, and I admit, I am a little less enthusiastic.

The first year we did this the kids raising $300 and adopted a wolf named Esew that had been abused by his owners. Now, we go up each summer and work with the staff of the sanctuary, and next year hope to do a two-week trip. While we are at the wolf sanctuary each summer, the teenagers give tours to visitors, feed and groom the wolves, as well as clean their cages, and do assorted sanctuary maintenance.

The amazing part of the trip each year is the welcome the kids get from the wolves, who remember them and greet them like old friends. As we drive up the driveway each summer you can hear the howling start which does not end until the kids enter the first cage to be licked and greeted by their old friends. This relationship they have with the wolves has taught us a lot about wolves, and what it means to be part of a pack. Stay tuned for Part 3 of "traveling with teens," when I will tell you all about the trip.

I am blessed that all of the teens who go on these trips are obviously well-grounded kids who think working their butts off for a week is fun, or who play a musical instrument or sing with enough commitment to perform for strangers. Given that these kids are mature and pretty independent, traveling with them is fairly simple, but still takes some preparation.

Preparation
When traveling with teens I have learned that it is important to give them a very detailed packing list and limit on how much they can bring - the first year we had four laptops and no adapter for the car. When I say detailed - I am talking detail - bug spray, sunscreen, feminine protection, lip balm, hat, jacket, Pjs, tooth brush deordorent, underwear, socks, reading material, spending money, etc... - if you do not list it, they will not bring it. It is also important to get a list of allergies from parents and a permission slip signed by parents that allows you to administer first aid and assorted remedies to avoid or treat sunburns, heat exhaustion, bug bites, muscle pain, blisters, splinters, cramps, and headaches.

In the way of prep, it is important to let them help plan the trip, deciding how far we drive each day, how the chores will be divided, what touristy things we see, how much reading or personal time they have each day, and to tell them how much free time they will have, what the behavioral expectations are, and what happens if they do not follow through with those expectations.

Prior to Leaving
I have found a reminder the day before works well, and at departure, make sure that any medications are in your carry-on luggage, that all the baggage is marked, and that each child has their passport or picture ID, money, and tickets. Once on the plane, it is important to retrieve all important documents and keep them together until needed again.

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Labels: Travel

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Teens, Privacy & Online Social Networks

Social networking sites appeal to teens because they provide instant communication, blogging, photos, music and video sharing, and a chance to post original creations. Currently, 93% of teens between 12 and 17 years old use the Internet, 61% of those teens use it daily, and 55% are on social networking sites.

A recent report by Lenhart & Madden (2007) from the Pew Internet & American Life Project, based on focus groups and telephone interviews conducted in 2006, had some good news about how teens are managing their privacy on social networking sites like MySpace. The results suggest that most households have rules about internet use, 75% of the computers used are in family spaces, and that parents are actively trying to keep their children safe online.

It was interesting to me that more than half of the teens who use social networking sites reported that they were not 100% truthful in their profiles and there was a lot of disagreement about what information was safe and not safe to share. Older teens shared more information and girls were more likely to share gossip. Boys were more likely to share their last names and cell phone numbers, and to use fake information on their profile. Girls are more likely to post photos and to restrict access to those photos.

The results suggest it is important to talk with teens about not trusting information in profiles and knowing who is linked to their pages.

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Labels: Online/Internet Safety

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Boys: The Teens We Ignore

While looking for other information about teens and health care I found a great article at Tolerance.org entitled, "Guiding our sons from boyhood to manhood - Paul Kivelidentifies four things every emerging man needs." It was an interesting read and an opportunity to think about the fact that so much adolescent research and thought goes into adolescent girls, and that there is very little work around boys and their particular issues.

Mr Kivel addresses the age-old dilemma about whether to let "boys be boys," or help them to become strong, creative, caring, and healthy men. Not raising boys, I am struck by how difficult this must be for a parent. Raising men whose gender roles are flexible, who is confident, and yet sensitive, but not teased as a sissy, or momma's boy, sounds like quite a challenge. There is a lot of social and media influence suggesting that "to be a man," boys should not cry, or back down, are in control, take charge, are responsible, have a lot of sex, and desire to have a lot of money. In his article, Mr. Kivel suggests that whenever boys try to act differently, there are many cultural pressures to stick with the stereotypes.

I am wondering how difficult it is to actually discuss with boys the gender role training they are receiving both at home and from media, books, movies, peers, and sports. As a parent, I find it easy to guide my daughters - they see me taking care of others, balancing my responsibilities between family and work, volunteering at their school, doing community service, and taking care of myself. It is part of my daily life and theirs to worry about others, talk about things, and share our feelings. Is that so much different when raising boys?

In the article, Mr. Kivel suggests that boys need to practice expressing their feelings; a chance to nurture; someone to talk with about the hard stuff; and a chance to make a difference in their community. The burden is on parents to make sure that their sons are being allowed to just focus on sports and traditionally male endeavors, they must be given an opportunity to nurture a pet or younger siblings, express their feelings through art, music, dance, or via dialogue, and get involved with community service in a meaningful way, not just to satisfy a community service requirement for college entrance.

I send blessings to parents raising boys - I hope you have a lot of support!

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Labels: Boys, Parenting

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Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying is not going away, and great resources are Internet Solutions for Kids, Inc., Stop Cyberbullying, and Cyberbullying which include news, facts, and information about prevention and education for parents. The parent pages suggests that the best way to keep your teen from being a cyberbully is to be involved with their lives and monitor them online and offline.

In addition, these sites suggests parents talk to their kids about:

• online etiquette (not saying anything online you would not say out loud or in public);
• telling you if something bad happens online -with a guarantee that you will not pull their Internet privileges;
• know where your teen is going online and who they are chatting with; and
• the risks associated with instant messaging and blogging, which are associated with more cyberbullying.

Currently, some safety advocates suggest parents monitor their teen's blogs or personal profiles, but others feel this would be a violation of their privacy if you were not invited. Some families are very comfortable and know that their parents are visiting their social networking sites, and it is not an issue. I suggest that if your child has asked for permission to develop a page, it would be a great time to establish a rule that you have access, while discussing other things like not posting identifying information and limiting access to friends.

Finally, this site has a nice page about myths and facts, with a link to the Cyber Tipline for reporting any suspicious or unwanted sexual activity.

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Labels: Bullying, Online/Internet Safety

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